🚀 Church Announces Five-Year Missions Trip to Phobos, Still Hasn’t Met Neighbor Across the Street
HUNTSVILLE, AL — October 20, 2026 — Inspired by Japan’s successful launch of a spacecraft toward Phobos, New Horizon Community Church called an emergency missions meeting Monday night and approved what leaders described as “the boldest short-term trip in church history,” despite the trip requiring roughly five years.
The proposed outreach team plans to remain in training until 2031—the same year Japan’s sample is expected back on Earth—then depart as soon as a deacon figures out orbital mechanics. Supplies already approved include bottled water, granola bars, and 600 commemorative T-shirts reading, “To the Ends of the Earth—and Then Some.”
“We’ve always wanted to reach the unreached,” said missions chairman Dale Pritchard while pointing at a red dot on a laminated solar-system map. “Phobos is, statistically speaking, the most unreached place we could find.”
The $14 million budget includes astronaut training, freeze-dried casserole research, matching orange spacesuits, and a zero-gravity Vacation Bible School curriculum. Applicants must provide three references and answer the screening question, “Can you survive eighteen months without complaining about the worship music?”
When one deacon mentioned that the Ortiz family had moved into the house across the street six months ago, the committee agreed that local outreach remained important but cautioned that it involved “unpredictable face-to-face conversation.” The Phobos trip, by contrast, already had a color-coded binder.
Pastor Brent Hollis reportedly read Acts 1:8 aloud and reminded the group that Jesus called His followers to be witnesses “unto the uttermost part of the earth.” Committee members nodded, then voted unanimously that Phobos was farther.
At press time, Mr. Ortiz knocked on the church door asking for help moving a sofa and was handed a sponsorship packet for the 2031 launch.
