NASHVILLE, TN — June 26, 2025
What began as a wholesome icebreaker to “help everyone share a little” turned into a full-blown theological showdown Tuesday night after a small group leader asked:
“What’s one thing you’ve been thinking about lately?”
According to eyewitnesses, group member Kyle was the first to respond, saying he’d been pondering “how God’s sovereignty interacts with human free will.” The circle of folding chairs reportedly went silent—except for one audible gasp from Janet, who had just finished her potato salad and was not emotionally prepared for a debate on predestination.
“I was hoping someone would say ‘gardening’ or ‘my dog,’” said Maria, the group host. “But then Trevor chimed in with a hot take about open theism, and suddenly it was Ephesians 1 vs. Romans 9 in here.”
The group, originally studying The Book of James: Faith in Action, abandoned its workbook after Kyle pulled out a whiteboard from the coat closet and began sketching an intricate timeline of redemptive history. Another attendee, Melissa, reportedly began googling John Piper quotes for backup while a visiting newcomer quietly slipped out to join a different small group down the street.
By 9:40 PM, the group had split into three theological factions, one rogue snacks-only subgroup, and a splinter cell that started a group chat called “Team Free Will (No Offense).”
Maria later admitted, “Next week, we’re just doing charades and communion.”
At press time, Kyle was spotted alone at Starbucks, attempting to convert a barista with an allegory involving espresso foam and irresistible grace.
