☕ Church Declares Fast from Coffee, Attendance Drops 87%

MAPLE GROVE, MN — June 26, 2025
Tragedy struck a mid-sized suburban congregation this Sunday after leadership boldly announced a church-wide 21-day fast… from coffee.

By the following weekend, attendance plummeted 87%.

“We wanted to give up something that meant a lot to us,” said Senior Pastor Rick Caldwell. “Apparently, that thing was our entire congregation.”

The fast, meant to stir spiritual hunger, instead revealed just how many members were clinging to Philippians 4:13… and a triple shot of espresso.

“I showed up out of habit,” said longtime member Karen McCallister. “But once I saw the welcome table had cucumber water instead of hazelnut creamer, I knew something demonic was happening.”

Worship was also affected, with praise songs noticeably slower, more minor-key, and featuring less hand-raising. One worship leader reportedly began weeping halfway through “Battle Belongs,” though it's unclear if it was from spiritual conviction or caffeine withdrawal.

Pastor Rick remained optimistic.
“The Holy Spirit doesn’t need coffee to move,” he said, shakily sipping herbal tea. “But... I do.”

At press time, the church board was considering rebranding the fast as “Silent Retreat Sundays” after noticing how quiet the sanctuary had become.